When I look at you,
It feels like i’m gazing at a distant star.
I won’t say a word,
I’ll just study you.
Your eyes, your lips, your nose, your cheeks, your hair,
How you smile, how your eyes glitter, like they’re dancing in the lights,
How you laugh, how your nose makes funny wriggles.
How you talk, and your eye brows frown like bridges on your forehead.
How your hair style changes over the seasons.
I reserve my words to you,
Cz I’m afraid it won’t suit the perfectionist man you are
I’m afraid my awkward movements, my awkward words and actions wont do justice to you.
So I’ll stand here, far from you, but close enough to see you,
Cz I’m not worthy of you.
When one day, I have enough courage, I’ll go to you,
Standing just a step away, look straight into your eyes and say,
“You are lovely. Let me love you.”
Then I don’t care if people think we don’t match.
I dont care if others think we won’t last.
I dont care if the world thinks we’re weird together.
Coz I have you.
And that’s all that matters to me.
Till then, I’ll just stay here and watch you.
You are my favourite past time.
I need a space.
To breathe. To let everything out.
There are too many things in my mind, all stringed up in knots.
Hear me out.
Don’t cut me short, I hate it.
Though I know at times I do that.
Just stay with me.
I feel unaccomplished.
Like I need an award on my shelf.
I just got an in-tangible prize.
It doesn’t mean anything to me.
I need to pen down everything.
Sort them out.
I feel the need to know everything.
I look at people, study them, build my own theories, stories, tryna detect if they’re lying or not, learn from them, good or bad, study their every minute moves.
Why on earth is my brain like this?! I am tired.
There are things, in my head, right now, desperately trying to escape, to be heard, evaluated, agreed, disagreed, debated but the mouth failed them.
Like as though the brain is telling the mouth that they are not worthy of being heard, that it’s better to keep them inside.
Like a 3yo kid, when someone asks,
“So how are you? You answer, “Good” or worst, no words, just a smile or thumbs up.
Where is it? My confidence?
What happened to it?
Why am I distancing?
What the hell is happening to me?
We sat down,
Sipping our own coffees,
Screaming kids at the background,
As we chat non-stop,
Oblivious to everything around us,
Like how it was,
In the past.
We both knew,
Deep down that there is no one,
Out there, who understands us,
More than ourselves.
That we both know each other,
The good, the bad,
The exposed, the hidden,
Spoken or unspoken rules,
From a to z.
That we could not return to the past,
That we are best,
Just being this distant yet this close.
What lies ahead,
I could only pray,
That I still have you around.
Coz I mean it when I say,
“That I have not found anyone like you. To whom I can connect with on every level. That I can show you the real side of me. And I feel most comfortable with you. But I know, that we both know, that we can never go back to where we were 3 years ago.”
God made each and everyone of us, a pair. Seperating us, from birth, only to find ourselves meeting our lost other half at the end of the (desperate desiration to meet our soul mate) road. When we leave everything to him, coz with mere human efforts, it’s not possible. That it requires a pinch of help from the almighty to meet him/her. Only then, when he thinks that you are ready, after meeting every single one of them, in between those times, who build you up emotionally, physically, positively or negatively, will you meet your other half.
And I’m not the only dreamer sir.